The thought was raised by a former English professor whom I highly respect; would it be pointless to write a book that may have already been written before, or is it selfish not to? To share the wisdom and insight that you were chosen to live for in life, to write about the things that gave your life purpose – would it be selfish to write it, or would it be selfish to keep the story hidden? On the other hand, if you did not write that book would then it be considered selfish to your potential readers?
All my life I have been told that I need to write a book. I tossed the idea around for many years. As events built up in my life and climaxes plummeted, I wondered if I would be writing the book for a particular audience or if I would be writing it for myself. It can now be verified that it is cathartic to get your thoughts and experience down on paper. So to say I wrote the book for myself is part of the motivation. I’ve often wondered, how could it be cleansing for a person to pick up my book, read my story and feel better about himself? After pondering the options, I decided that if only one person would be affected for the better by reading my book, than that would mean that at least two people were affected by it and therefore the book would be worth writing.
I find that writing a book does not mean to just recall life events and put them on paper. That would be considered journaling. I’ve learned that to write a book means to write intentionally. It’s debatable whether or not this can cause more harm than good on a personal level for the writer. I went through many sleepless nights tossing and turning after recalling feelings and events surrounding the events I have written about. The pain of living the events is brought back to the light as the story is written down on paper. The part that hurts the most is the memory of the hurt sustained through it all and acknowledging the scars still present. The part that makes it tolerable is being able to smile and keep my chin up, knowing that I’m still here to write about it. There were many points along the way where ending my life seemed like a better option than going on in misery, let alone waiting around to tell people about my trials.
It’s hard to write a book like this one without feeling like you’re throwing people under the bus by exposing things they have done to you and put you through. Part of the cleansing and teaching aspect from writing a book comes from the fact that you have learned to settle and make peace with these people and the situations that surround them. It is hard to bring light to these events again, but in order for these lessons to be learned from by the reader, issues need to be resurfaced, admitted and faced. For many years I ignored all the problems that came my way. I would store things away and just live life as though those things had never happened. I learned to compartmentalize very well. I had to come to the realization that I will never learn from trials and mistakes if I deny their existence altogether. These events in my story happened, and they are real. You will be very disturbed by some of the things you are about to read. Some of the details are fairly graphic. Believe me, they were as difficult for me to write as they are for you to read. As a growing, learning young girl I was confused about the things happening to me. I look back and realize that I was chosen for this path I am writing about. At the same time, it is rewarding to see that the hurts I faced were all for a purpose. It was all a lesson, both for me and, as I write my book now at the age of 24, I understand that it was also for my potential readers. Even if the hurt and challenges I faced only happened so that you could be reading this book right now, it was worth struggling through them.
We all have pain and sorrow and we all could tell a story, but how many people actually write their book? How many people were supposed to write a book but didn’t? How many stories have been covered up by other stories that don’t matter? Does any story really matter? I believe so. A person who writes a book needs to be prompted to do so, and it is usually for a specific reason. The fact that you are reading this tells me that you are either looking for answers, maybe answers from my story that you feel may go along with how you are feeling in your situation. You may be glad that this story was put out there to share a story similar to yours, and this may give you hope that your story will matter as well. This book may inspire you to write your own and I hope it does. Whatever the case, keep in mind that we all matter and in some way our stories all connect and our situations overlap. We need to open our eyes to let our minds figure things out so that our hearts can finally feel. Some people make a choice to think deeper. Some people don’t live life any other way. I hope this book raises awareness to people that life goes deeper and carries on to different levels behind closed doors that we don’t always want to see.
As I set out to write this book, I knew that there would be people to whom this book would impact. This is not a page to thank but rather acknowledge those that played a part in my story. There are people this book will offend; people may be shocked at its content. There are people who will be outraged at the things I have put in about my past. The people I have written about are the people who shaped my story and those are the people who have made me into the person I am today. Without them, this book would have no base. That may be a “Thank you” but it may also be an “I’m sorry.” In writing this book the intent is solely to change or impact the way people may view life and to think from a different perspective. As you see in the title, this book will hit on many points of abandonment and struggles in my past. These events were driven by the life I was born into and the influences of other people on my life’s course. But the key to understanding this book is to grasp that I was able to grab ahold of the pen and write my own ending.
My book is available online now at: