RELATIONSHIP 101: Rebounds and moving forward

The first question people ask when they are the first date after a break up is ” Are you sure that I am not just a rebound?”. The answer that the person usually gives is “Of course not”.  That is a lie. With every relationship you enter into it will either end in a breakup or a marriage/permanent relationship.  So with any relationship you enter into, you must go in with the expectation of either one. So many times we will hope that the relationship ends in marriage but when it ends in breakup we are heart broken and in shock that something  “so tragic” could happen to us. We have all been there. When we go through a breakup it is hard to deal with. We spend so much time with the person. We have in some cases changed our lives for that person, and changed friend circles. When a relationship ends, so does that friend circle and current circumstances.  The first few days we are depressed and seek counsel from friends. In most cases we lock ourselves in our bedroom with movies and Ben & Jerry’s Ice cream for days and shut ourselves off from all outside communication. Eventually we put ourselves back together and we realize that the time has come where we need to stand back up and get back into the dating game. 

We all will have the “first person after the breakup” that we date. This person is termed by society as the rebound. 

There are a few definitions for a rebound 

1. Urban Dictionary- Going from one relationship to the next right away to avoid the pain of a breakup

2.  A rebound is someone who you date/go out with to keep yourself busy and you use him/her to keep your mind off of your ex who you still have feelings for
 
3- The freedictionary.com-  To recover, as from depression or disappointment. 
 
These definitions fit societies view of a rebound well. Any time you start a relationship it will end in a breakup or a full commitment…EVEN with a rebound. The problem is that most rebounds end up failing which give them a bad reputation. The reason they fail s typically because the person who just got out of a relationship “settled” for the quickest new relationship, or the person started a relationship with a potentially good match too soon after the breakup and did not have time to fully heal emotionally.  When you start a new relationship without fixing the problems you brought over from the old one they will not just disappear, and you will end up with the same problems in this new relationship. 
 
People tend to believe that a rebound is not fair, or that it is a bad idea. I beg to differ. I believe that a rebound is a necessary part of the process. without a rebound right away, the mind can wander and depression can set in. To end a relationship depressed and down on life is sad. When the rebound steps in and starts taking you out and building you back up, it is a positive thing. They will help you through the healing process and will allow you to realize that the problem is not you. You will then be able to have a sense of hope. By the time you rebuild yourself through this rebound, you will now see clearly that the rebound is not quite the level you deserve. When you end that rebound relationship, you are on your way to full self healing and realizing your full potential in a relatonship. You will then learn what you want and what you DONT want. That is key to understand in a relationship.  This is a learning process for both parties in the rebound relationship. One can argue that it is unfair to the person to be used as a rebound…..but by definition as listed above… the person is going from one relationship to another quickly….so then wont the person who just got “dumped” move on to another relationship? Absolutely! It is all a part of the cycle and it is all necessary in the process. Each breakup requires two people to move on. A rebound is simply the first person you date after a relationship. Just like any other relationship you are in, it will either fail or move forward.  The key is….If you have gone through a breakup, move forward. Date more. It is ok to “rebound” don’t be afraid of that term. Everyone has to get back on the horse to date again eventually.  A rebound is a healthy part of the healing process.  Have fun with dating and tread lightly. Try to remove ALL EXPECTATIONS. Just enjoy people. 
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Love or Lust

Hollywood paints the wrong picture of the love story. It shows people who meet and fall in love. It gives us an unrealistic expectation of what love and relationships are like. The difficult issues in life that affect relationships on a daily basis are not presented in the films. The love is covered in Lust and it is based on a physical attraction. Love endures, lust does not. There are many issues in relationships such as: Whether or not they want children, how the finances will work, where the kids will go to school, religion, purpose and direction in life, and moral standards. These are issues that are not touched on that make or break the relationship. The Hollywood picture of the perfect relationship of falling in love and everything just “working out”, leads to the increased divorce rate. Just because you love somebody does not mean the relationship will work out. Many people forget that. Relationships are tough! The word “relationship”, scares a lot of people.

Regardless of how hard people try to fight being in a relationship, ultimately everybody has the fear of being alone. Many people date around and are “seeing” a lot of people at once. They are afraid to enter into a relationship because they’re afraid of making a mistake. The painful truth with that is, any relationship you enter into either ends in a happily ever after, that may include a marriage, or it will end in a divorce or a break up. That’s all there is to it. The relationship will come to a crucial point where you need to decide to end it or move forward in the relationship. Acknowledging this at the beginning, will lessen the hurt when it has to end. Dating is a risk, but it is an informed risk. In the situation where somebody is dating around with many people at once, a lot of people get hurt. If the person is not forthcoming about what their intention is with each of these people, that leads to heart break. The fact is, if you don’t give a relationship a try, you don’t know whether or not you could be happy with just one of the prospects.

Let’s be clear: dating is exhausting. It’s hard to sit down and tell your story to one person on Monday and repeat it on Tuesday and again on Thursday and Friday. It’s physically exhausting to date. When you are monogamistic and you pick one person to spend your time with and to invest in, you have more time to find out who that person is and whether it can go somewhere. If you spread yourself thin amongst many people at once you will get nowhere with any of them because you can’t possibly give yourself out to that many people and have any return on your investments. Granted, if you are seeing one person at a time and you realize that there are nonnegotiable’s that you guys cannot work out, then it only makes sense to end the relationship before you go further. That is a step that most people miss. They continue in a relationship even though they know that at some point it will fail. Again, this comes from the fear of being alone. Most people do not have enough self-worth to know that they will be just fine after the break up. Anybody who has gone through a break up and has found love afterwords has realized that there is hope. This is just hard for people to grasp at the time. We have all been there. Regardless, you won’t know whether or not the relationship can work past the obstacles unless you try. If there are two or more things that you want to change about a person then that is probably not the right person for you.

People can change, yes. Statistically speaking, people don’t change for the better. You can at least give it a try, but again, it is an informed risk. A lot of times what is stopping these people who date around with a bunch of people and deny themselves a relationship status, is the fear of being “taken off the market”. They are afraid to be exclusive with one person because they fear losing out on a bigger, better option. The issue with that is, if you’re afraid of losing out on a bigger, better option then you shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. You are just destined to break a lot of hearts. Yes, you are looking out for your own happiness, but that is at the expense of others. That is when ethics and morals come in to play. You can do what is right for you as long as you don’t hurt anybody else. When you are dating like this, your motives are wrong. Looking for a bigger better option shows internal motives that you don’t want exposed on the outside. Unfortunately, this is very common in today’s dating world.

You need to know what you are looking for and don’t settle for less. That doesn’t mean to be opposed to settling down. Know your non-negotiables. BUT – When you’re ready to settle down, make sure that you are not settling.

Dating 101

Image There are two types of people in this world when it comes to relationships; those who are single, and those who are not. The question of which group is happier is tossed around many times. In both scenarios it seems that everybody is always looking for the grass on the other side of the fence. When married or in a relationship the thought can come up of; what if I were single again…would I have more fun? Then those who are single will wish that there was a significant other to “complete” them.  I have heard many versions of this scenario on both sides.  I have been married so I have been on that end of the spectrum. Now being single I appreciate both sides. When it comes to being single and starting to look for that “significant other”, there are some simple guidelines to follow to do it right the first time so that you don’t end up like myself and so many others who were, married and single again. I prefer to not use the term “divorced” but rather “single again”. 

Disclaimer- Any relationship you get into will either end in marriage or a breakup. You will either end up alone again or stay with that person, so the more people you date, the more you face this simple truth. 

RELATIONSHIPS: 

Rule #1- KNOW YOUR NON-NEGOTIABLES

   If your end goal is marriage or a long term relationship, then you need to be honest with yourself about what you are looking for in a relationship. There are many things in a relationship that need to be discussed before getting too deep into a relationship. If you find out on the first date that somebody does not ever want children and you do, then you got lucky and you didn’t waste a 2nd date. That is just one example but a big one. You need to make sure that you cover your bases so that you don’t waste anybody’s time. the way to do that is to make a list. On one side put the things that are preferences and then on the other side write the requirements (non-negotiables). You have to discipline yourself. Non-negotiables are simply that! You can not change your mind on these because the person is perfect in every way but one. Eventually you will find who you are looking for but patience is key. Soo many good relationships are lost because of a sense of urgency to be in a relationship. So get a pen and make a list of what you want and what you don’t want. It will narrow your choices substantially. Know your value and know what you deserve and never settle for less. 

Rule #2-  BE WILLING TO CHANGE YOUR SEARCH AREA

   When I say search area, that is not implying that you should be out searching for a mate. It will happen when it is supposed to. In the same breath, It will not happen if you are sitting at home watching soap operas and dreaming of the perfect date. In order to meet people you have to have exposure to other people. So many times people will go to a bar or a particular place that they hang out every week and expect to meet somebody there. The problem with this is that if you are always looking in the same place then you will always meet the same type of people. If you have not been satisfied with the people that you have been meeting then maybe your “normal spot” is not the best place to look. You have to be willing to try new things and new places and you have to be willing to meet new people. Sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone is the best thing you can do for your future. you have to know what type of person you are looking to meet and then go from there. start hanging out in paces where that type of person would generally be. 

Rule #3- WHEN YOU ARE READY TO SETTLE DOWN MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT SETTLING

   It is easy to settle when you find somebody who meets all but one of your personal requirements. There is NO RUSH it is important to take as much time as you need. If the person you are potentially going to marry really is the one, then you will be spending the rest of your life with them. If that is the case, then why rush the dating process. Make sure that you are getting exactly what you want. Know your worth and know you deserve the best. If you rush things or sell yourself short then you will not be happy. So often this happens and we end up settling. One thing that may be taboo is the fact that you need to date many people before you can really know what you want/like. It is very true. There is a difference between dating and being in a relationship. It is a bad thing to be in a relationship with multiple people; That is obvious. It is a good thing to go on dates and learn about new people. Be clear with people that you are dating and that you are not ready to commit yet. Never commit to the first person that you date either. As long as you are open from the start, it can not be held against you later. Don’t put blinders on, be open to people around you. enjoy the dating scene. it can be really fun. Even the bad dates turn out to be really funny stories…we all need some of those. It is all a part of the experience. 

GOLDEN RULE: NEVER LOOK FOR ANOTHER PERSON TO FULFILL YOU! 

 Fulfillment must happen before you are meeting somebody with a relational intent. If you enter a relationship at 50% the other person will never fill you up or satisfy you and you will always be lacking. Know who you are and what you stand for. Be happy with yourself because you are truly the only person who will ever be able to do so. ……..MOST IMPORTANTLY- Have fun with it!  

HAPPY DATING